Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   I'm giving my ex-wife roses for Valentine's day to remind her that she's still a thorn in my side

   Money and traditional infidelity are still the top 2 reasons for divorce but Facebook can't be far behind.

   Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell "SURPRISE YOU'RE NOW JOHN'S GIRLFRIEND"

   Horoscope: Yes she got all your texts.

   Find someone you're good at.

   I see you stopped taking your meds. Can I please have them?

   “Go out there and get your ass kicked by Steven Seagul” - Script for everyone else in a Steven Seagal movie.

   My suicide note will probably just be my phone left unlocked

   It's only a "good morning" if there's coffee involved

   Everyone thinks they're incapable of committing murder until they see uncleared time on the microwave.

   When I die people are going to be like "wait... I thought he already died like a decade ago?"

   Taking care of your drunk friends inadvertently prepares you to be a father or mother.

   Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.

   G.I.R.L on the Internet is 'Guy In Real Life.'

   No autocorrect, I do not want to organism all over her face.

   Some girls should drink alone so they don’t get pregnant, again.

   Women's biggest mistake: thinking men can read their minds Men's biggest mistake: not trying to read women's minds

   Being smart doesn't stop yolu from doing stupid things.

   My master plan is just a Post-it note that says “drink more.”

   *at my own wedding* Can I please stay in the car?