Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   My car heater has two settings: face melting and off.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks. .. If she sways her hips from side to side she's good in bed. .. If she takes small steps she's unadventurous. .. If she's tiptoeing away from you shes got your credit card.

   Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.

   I'm looking for the "It's Complicated" box to check off on this tax form.

   I can't stand it when people won't speak a little louder when I'm trying to eavesdrop on them. You people are selfish.

   I just got back from my high school reunion. OK... actually, I logged into Facebook... but same thing.

   Try to change your perspective. Instead of thinking, "I'm still unemployed," think "This is the longest vacation ever!"

   I use to say “That's How I Roll” until I fell down a hillside. It was much different than I imagined. Now I say: That's how I scream & bounce.

   I understand that good things come to those who wait. Might I ask just how long the line is?

   People say that money can't buy happiness. I say I haven't yet secured sufficient funding to conduct a sound study on this subject.

   You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.

   10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy... just sayin'

   I'm peeved that the bank owns a good chunk of this house but hasn't once taken out the trash. Worst roommate ever.

   I'm going to write that down in my "Things I don't give a crap about" notebook.

   We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield.

   I got fired from the quality control department at the mirror factory. They all looked perfect to me.

   Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on, like me.

   When push comes to shove, when the going gets tough, when all hell breaks loose and the sh*t hits the fan, and when all else has failed, it is I who will recite old movie quotes while waiting for somebody to do something useful.

   Every Christmas for the last 15 years, I've been too drunk to remember the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, enough is enough. It's time to get my act together. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman.

   A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women's facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren't looking at her face.