Funny Status Messages
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Look low in the northwest sky around 9:45 p.m for the next few days for the NEOWISE asteroid you won't want to miss as it will be a once-in-a-lifetime event!! just like the last several asteroids that flew by. 
Research has revealed a subatomic particle that may actually be shaped like a buffalo. It's been called the Higgs Bison.
Wife: Can you pick up milk?... Me: [lifts gallon] Yea sure, it's easy... Wife: I mean from the store.... Me: Umm ok, but I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Just met a kid named Denim today so yes, I would definitely like another drink.
The last thing someone who can't decide what to make for dinner needs is 101 different crock pot choices.
How come documentary makers can find drug makers and hitmen to interview but the police can’t find them?
I wish I could unlearn English for one day so I could hear how it sounds without meaning.
Steps to survive on a dessert island: 1. check spelling 2. if correct, enjoy
Yes ... I suppose I am one of the few people that actually love Fruit Cakes!!! ....Heck .... I only need a few more ..... this year I hope to get enough to complete building my Brick wall!!
Decided to put up a Christmas tree this year....wrestled with it a bit..finally got in in place... it smells like Christmas now.. and it looks real cool, hanging from my car's rear view mirror.
What do I like most about people? Their dogs....
Subpoena...Such a silly word. Sounds like a term used to describe a man who is below average downstairs.
One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe? optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I want Pizza not your opinion
My phone is on its 4th charge for the day. So don't talk to me about commitment.
When it comes to self-absorption, you’re like a sponge. 