KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   Arguing with a woman is like bringing a knife to a gun fight, then repeatedly stabbing yourself with it.

   A cop stopped me and said "License please" so I offered him a donut and said "I donut have one" and we laughed and laughed and now I am behind bars.

   Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can't wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie 5% - that's was a complete waste of money 85% - I gotta pee.

   To be loved is to be fortunate, but to be hated is to achieve distinction. Thanks haters.

   Why don't witches wear panties? So they can get a better grip on the broom.

   In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

   Somewhere out there, someone is lying in the wet spot right now.

   She asked if I had any experience operating heavy equipment, there's smoke coming from her v@gina now.

   A man asked a prostitute, “How much is one round?” The Prostitute replies,"100 on the bed, 50 on the sofa and 20 on the floor. The man gives her 100 and the Prostitute says, 'Wow a classy guy' The man replies, “classy my a$$, I want 5 times on the

   Every man will claim he's different. Every man will claim he's loyal. Every man will claim he is your knight in shining amour. Every man will claim he is your prince. But no man will ever claim he is full of sh*t.

   Sometimes a lil weed is all you need.

   Ladies, no one wants to motorboat your rib cage. Eat a sandwich.

   Sometimes when I close my eyes I can't see.

   A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they're naughty.

   Fellas: No woman will bother going after your heart if all you talk about is how fat your bank account is and how big your d*ck is. You sell what you advertise.

   The 'unlike' button is the closest we are ever gonna get to a 'dislike' button.

   A woman is never more persuasive than when she's holding a shotgun or a bacon sandwich.

   Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.

   Women are not complicated at all, except when they expect us to read between the lines.

   The difference between sexual harassment and seduction. Is the first is done by men, and the 2nd one is the same thing but done by women.