GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Officer: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I kinda feel like that's your job.

   A moment of silence for all the friends I've lost on social media because of the stuff I post.

   Filled up my car last week $110 but drove off without paying. I was up in court today and got fined $75. Follow me for more tips.

   I bet aliens ride past earth and lock their doors.

   Marriage tip: If your wife won't let you play games with the boys at night, do something to make her mad. That way she tells you to sleep on the couch. That way you can play games with the boys at night.

   I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I surprised my wife with a new bag and belt for Christmas ! The old vacuum cleaner is gonna run like new now .

   Marriage tip: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say yes. Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   I think it's only a matter of time until "Security Cameras of Walmart" is a hit reality show.

   The officer asked, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" And we just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

   Now that I've gotten older I've come to realize why Bigfoot stays away from people.

   If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink or dessert. Then I'd sit back and watch the madness unfold at every table.

   I changed my mind. F*ck Trump.

   When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is tell them to get out. I don't like visitors.

   Marriage tip: When your wife says you're only coming in to get one thing, always grab a cart, because she's lying. Follow me for more marriage advice.

   I kept staring at the orange juice carton too long because it said "Concentrate"!

   Sometimes you have to sit back and play the role of a fool to fool the fool who thinks they are fooling you.

   BREAKING NEWS: So according to my calendar, today is National Alien Abduction Day. In other words, the government has been lying to us. There are aliens! Lol

   I got a job sketching suspects at the police station. I'm a con artist!

   It's so strange to think before Facebook, all this nonsense just stayed in people's heads.

   Not funny... We sprung forward so hard we are back in winter!