mtq Funny Status Messages

   one of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

   I met a farmer who genetically altered a chicken to have six legs so his kids didn't fight over the drumsticks. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.

   If aliens were to intercept facebook signals, they'd conclude the only things we have to eat and drink here on Earth is bacon, cats, coffee and vodka.

   If any of you ever have to identify my dead body, I'd appreciate you saying it's not me.

   Facebook needs to change up the Poke thing. They need to add a "Mad Passionate Pelvic Thrust" button.

   Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

   No matter what I do, I cannot get any kudos from my girlfriend. If I walked on water she'd say, "What, you can't swim?"

   I'm hoping for major changes in 2012. Like getting ice out of the freezer and not having one piece always falling on the floor.

   Aerosmith on the Today Show. Willard Scott Wished them all a happy 100th birthday.

   I remember something traumatic from when I was two days old. The Doctor performing my circumcision looked at me, with knife in hand and said, "It won't be long now!"

   Fortune Cookie: Woman who go fishing with six men...go home with red snapper.

   Finally happened...knew it was coming....my beeper broke. Anyone know where to get a good deal on a new one?

   Word on the street: Johnny Depp is single. The other word on the street: You don't stand a chance.

   I love it when a fat person says, "That's the way I roll."

   Why doesn't facebook just change the Poke to what it really means. "Bend over, I'll drive."

   How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

   So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

   You don't actually pay a h00ker to sleep with you, you pay her to leave.

   That moment when you're tired and sleepy, and you drag yourself to bed but then your brain says, "Ha ha, just kidding!" I hate that.

   People who are, "Just sayin'" should try, "Just shutting the f**k up."