m Funny Status Messages

   Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out!

   I have been very drunk before but not "wake up with a Kardashian" drunk.

   I don't mind when others use my gun for target practice...it's always nice to have a second set of finger prints on a gun.

   I have been informed that my problems now have problems...I find this to be problematic.

   Who ever said talk is cheap never got a bill from a lawyer for a 30 minute consultation.

   I am surprised no one has consulted Michael Jackson's doctor for advice on what drugs to use to for quick, painless executions.

   "Half time" is that point in time when you are too full to eat a whole slice of pizza but you have plenty of room if you cut that piece into two pieces and eat them separately.

   I don't see what the big deal is with the legalization of pot in Washington D.C. is...I always thought those people were smoking something anyway.

   Gravity didn't seem this strong twenty-five years ago. :-/

   No, I don't have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.

   A pine cone in laying on the bottom of the pool looks like something much more troubling.

   My middle finger seems to get more exercise on Monday than any other day of the week.

   I really like the people who say; "60 is the new 40" because I know if I borrow $60 from them, all I have to pay back is $40.

   If there is a hand on each shoulder, it's not a prostate exam.

   To the PR firm hired by Ray Rice; It doesn't matter how much you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

   Skeet shooting will be a popular way to do Christmas shopping once Amazon starts delivering packages with drones.

   No, we do not have video of our baby's birth but we do have some very fine shots of his conception.

   Tequila makes the world go around...I mean the room, it makes the room go around. :-/

   The wife thought she was having her first hot flash but it turns out that it was just her boob in her cup of tea.

   I have no adult supervision today and there is a peanut butter pie in the fridge...this will not end well.