joser Funny Status Messages

   I sympathize a lot with Darth Vader because he had so much trouble juggling career and family.

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: "This one had insurance. Don't kill him."

   If your relationship is so complicated that you have to identify it as such on Facebook, you should probably get the hell off Facebook and go fix it.

   I'm super sick, and while I don't need anyone to nurse me back to health but I'd like someone to pick up my tissues and let me be mean to them..

   I didn't call you crazy. All I said was, "you look like you might own 400 cats"

   It is a universal truth that everything you do is at least 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake anyone up.

   Actual Sign in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

   As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way...

   I think you misunderstood me. I said "go phuck yourself" with a PH. So, that makes it cool and not remotely offensive... Phucktard.

   The best part of being a pedestrian is walking over the hood of the car of the person who stopped right in the middle of a crosswalk.

   After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.

   My bank is the worst. They're charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can't even afford to be broke.

   Nobody gets treated worse than a fast food worker who gets an order wrong.

   The wedding card selection at this store blows. Lots of "Congrats" and "Best wishes" but no "I still question your sexuality" anywhere.

   I think people would be less likely to piss me off if they knew how much I watch Forensic Files

   Observation: Any story that ends with "Anyway, it was really funny" is not really funny.

   Dear DNA experts, please come up with a small insect that is genetically designed to annoy flies. Maybe even a small insect that bites mosquitoes. Thanks

   If you're OCD and you know it, wash your hands.

   Why do people insist on speaking to me? It pretty much never goes well.

   I truly wonder how much better life would be if people were required to fill out a CAPTCHA before breeding.