hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 2 minutes.

   I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom. I can't believe it.. She's a superhero!

   You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says "Drive faster and put me under the seat."

   When I die, I want to be thrown out of a plane over the ocean wearing a superman costume.

   I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.

   Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the heck down.

   At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I'll never know.

   When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.

   Santa is really going to love the cookies he gets from Colorado and Washington this year..

   I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.

   Of everything I've ever accomplished in my life, I'm most proud of the fact that I've never seen an episode of Jersey Shore.

   I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.

   Next time you're in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.

   My mind and my body are starting to strongly disagree about how old I am.

   So I've never done cocaine, but I have a question. Why do people do it in the bathroom? If you were doing a drug that you had to sniff really hard to do, isn't someplace where people poop not the ideal place?

   There needs to be an app that deletes my memberships right before my free trials run out.

   I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.

   I sleep better naked…why can't the flight attendant understand this?

   Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

   They're coming out with a line of Kardashian Barbie Dolls. As if the actual Kardashians aren't fake enough.