ff1241 Funny Status Messages

   You know what they say "Home is where you hang your enemies head."

   Look, here's the deal: If you're into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.

   I may still be single but I know that I have saved a lot of money on a wedding and even more on the divorce.

   Ever been so tired at work that people thought you were drunk? I hope so because thats the only excuse I have for being drunk at work.

   I wonder what I did at work before I had and I-phone and Facebook.

   I believe in evolution by natural selection. But I have one big problem with it. Its not fast enough and there are too many safeguards in place not to let nature do its thing.

   So you wonder why I never seem to get any sleep. Well I never go to bed angry. I stay up and plot my revenge. So ask yourself something, do I hate alot of people or is one person really going to get it. Now your wondering if its you.

   Wishing my dog had a snooze button!!

   The term weekend could have a whole new meaning tomorrow.

   Chocolate chip cookie dough has a warning to not eat it raw. Who in their right mind is not going to do that. I can't even remember the last time I got cookie dough and made them into cookies.

   Zombie squirrels will feast on your nuts.

   very surprised at the number of my family members actually willing to admit they are related to me.

   was looking for a date on Craigs list only to find out that "420 friendly" did not stand for maximum weight limit.

   Someone give Bruno Mars a grenade and pull the pin. I'm getting sick of that song. She dosen't love you, I don't wanna hear about how your stalking her.

   Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. I couldn't help but think, it would work much better on the front.

   Drinking is a problem only if you're not good at it. To me, everything you listed is proof that I am very good at it.”

   Taboo jeopardy is a lot more fun to play. Maybe because I know the answers.

   If your on a dating website and didn't post a picture of yourself. It should be mandatory to disclose the amount of teeth you will show up with in you mouth on the first date.

   This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.

   Kids are more fun when you can give them back.