Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I may look calm, but in my head I've punched you in the face 3 times!

   Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.

   I have just painted a blue square on the garden to trick people viewing Google Earth into thinking I have a swimming pool!

   Now that you really think about it, you've never seen me and Batman in the same room have you?

   Facebook: A place where all your past mistakes will eventually try to befriend you.

   This guy's all like "I think you've had enough beers for one night." Then I'm all "Scrw you, fridge. Appliances can't even talk."

   No matter how old you are, no matter how much of a bad ass are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it.

   So, Martin Luther King, Jr. had to wait 40 years to get his own momunent, and then they make it out of white marble? Awkward...

   I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn't talk over the song.

   If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.

   I just had 14 beers at Chuck E. Cheese's... and this band is f*cking awesome!

   Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don't want to know."

   The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.

   Stealing candy from a baby is actually pretty hard....... They always have adult friends nearby....... and they're loud snitches.......

   Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen.”

   A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.

   I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???

   Take photos of friends with their face squished against glass. Assign to your phone contacts... it'll look like they're trapped inside your phone!

   At the grocery store, they usually have 6 check out lanes open, unless it's really busy, then they only use one.

   If you think it's necessary to judge me by my past, don't get mad when I put you there.