Gary2.0 Funny Status Messages

   I told my wife I had a plan. She asked if it was written down. That felt aggressive

   It's not easy being my wife's arm candy, but I hear I'm nailing it.

   What up MM?

   My retirement plan is a fishing rod and nobody needing anything from me for 6 hours.

   And scientists are also studying me to figure out how I am so handsome.

   Every husband believes one good weekend will get him caught up on everything.

   Marriage tip: When you go to borrow your husband's tools, don't put them back. You don't know where they belong. Have your husband take care of it. That way he can show some responsibility and make sure that his things are where he wants them to be.

   I told my wife I'd handle it. Now we're both waiting to see what that means.

   I want to steal a donut truck and go on a high-speed chase, because it would be funny watching cops chase a donut truck on the news.

   We're out shopping for new dishwashers because my wife says ours is broken. I'm still not sure why we're here and not at the hospital though.

   Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor. Banks what is your problem?

   Marriage tip: Randomly ask your husband, "Do you notice something different about me?" This will keep him hyper-vigilante as he is forced to think about you, and he doesn't have time to look at other women.

   My wife asked why I wake up at 4 a.m. to fish. Because peace and quiet are apparently sunrise exclusives

   I remember when I was a kid you could go to the store with $1 and come home with three bags of chips, two candy bars and a cold drink. Now, they have cameras everywhere.

   I told my wife I had a plan. She asked if it was a good one. I said, "It exists".

   Accidentally called Alexa "Siri"... And now the thermostat is set to 90 and I can't unlock my doors or Windows.

   I'll simply never understand how farmers used to set their roosters forward 1 hour.

   I don't usually brag about going to expensive places... But I just left the gas station.

   My wife asked how golf went. I said, "Mentally? Tough. Spiritually? Necessary".