@Plasticmortal Funny Status Messages

   A mother my have a thousand daughters but a daughter has only one mother

   I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

   In my house, we pray after we eat.

   took a bucket of Legos to Lowes and asked the cute manager "Let's build something together" that's when I got thrown out of Lowe's.

   Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

   I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

   The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

   I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

   Egotism - usually just a case of mistaken non-entity.

   Mary had a little lamb the doctor fainted

   Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

   In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

   My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn't met me yet.

   I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

   I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.