JAKE Funny Status Messages

   Do you know the two words that can wreck a man's life?......... I do.

   Texbook: a tex message that way too long.

   It's not the fall off a tall building that kills you. It's the sudden stop.

   Silence is golden. Unless you have a house full of young kids.

   Last Halloween night while at a bus stop. I saw a priest, a nun and a prostitute pass buy. Still don't know if they were wearing a costume for Halloween or not.

   You know your farts must really stink when you fart and your dog gets up and leaves the room.

   Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn't pay their wifi bill.

   says "If Heat Rises, Surely Heaven is Hotter Than Hell"

   What do you call a nun with a sex change operation....... A tran-sister

   If it wasn't intended for you to have a midnight snack. There would not be a light in the fridge.

   When we first ment on a blind date my girlfriend wasn't that interested in me. Untill she saw me lick my eyebrows.

   I lost money in the John Wayne toilet paper co. The T.P. was so ruff it wouldn't take sh*t off of anybody.

   You know a restaurant must be serving bad food when you see a mouse throwing up in the restroom.

   Gave my boss a mother's day card. Because "he" is one of the top ten mothers on my list.

   My lesbian neighbors got me a timex for my birth day. But I don't think they understood when I said I wana watch.

   Two girls talking. 1st girl: I've been ask lots of times to get married. 2nd girl: Was it by the same guy? 1st girl: No, by my mother.

   Since Easter sunday is also April fool's day as a April fool's prank. Besides dyeing raw eggs (That I mention in an earlies status) I also willbe substituting the candy choclate balls with chocolate covered brussel sprouts.

   . There's a book on The Cures for aches and pains by Dr. Artur Ritis

   If you could cross a centipede with a turkey you would have enough turkey legs for everyone.

   With all the misspelled words trump has tweeted. I hope he never tweets "Preparing to launch." In stead of "lunch"