Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I'm bored I stop a stranger and ask "where am I?" and whatever they say I runaway screaming "Hahaha I'm a genius! I can teleport!"

   How do all these "as a busy mom" moms get time to record commercials?

   Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders

   "Porn stash" sounds too seedy. I prefer to call it my "Guybrary."

   Do you ever start writing a status and halfway through you’re just like “nah”

   Wanna ruin a girl's day? Respond to her next text with "Who is this?"

   Whenever I drive past the psychic's empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.

   Whenever someone asks, "Can I be perfectly honest with you?" The answer should always be, "No."

   Can't shake this headache. Perhaps the shaking isn't helping

   When a woman asks for your opinion, they don't want to hear your opinion, they want to hear their opinion in a deeper voice.

   Somebody needs to invent a way to punch another person in the throat via Internet.

   I'm at that stage where I have the wardrobe of a skateboarder and the hairline of someone who yells at skateboarders.

   Sometimes you have to ask yourself if you are doing the right thing. If you can see Gary Busey doing it, chances are you should not.

   What is about public restrooms that make people go, "Yeah, I'm just not going to flush"

   The one thing you don't read about Helen Keller is how everybody blamed farts on her.

   I'm positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.

   Behind every great man there's a great woman who can take whatever he just said and turn it into a great big fight

   If you say “Kanye” in the mirror three times, he appears, pushes you over and starts screaming his own name in the mirror.

   My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it's there to stab potential taco thieves.

   When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend who ditched me for his own imaginary friend.