Funny Status Messages

   I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose

   Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.

   Just added pressure to my tires today. I leaned over and whispered "You better start doing your frickin job or you will have a date with the shredder."

   Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing? Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

   I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit score went up 12 points.

   This is Jane. Jane is in a relationship. Jane doesn't post on Facebook about how much she loves her partner. She does this in person. She doesn't mention every little significant thing they do. Janes knows nobody gives a damn. Jane is smart. Be like Jane.

   Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

   I'm sorry, but I just don't understand this support of Crony Capitalism, growing Governmental Corruption and selling out this nations sovereignty to the new Globalist Governmental System. Am I missing something here?

   We need a reality show where Flat-Earthers attempt to find the edge of the planet.

   Bill Cosby is in JAIL-O

   OK. What genius decided to call them Bridesmaids and not Insane Gown Posse?

   What's the dumbest thing you ever believed as a child? That people above 18 years of age are automatically adults.

   Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning. After 10 minutes of chatting She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

   I was talking to the local kids last night, telling them they are ruining what our fore father's created. One kid said, "my mom sleeps around but I ain't got four fathers!". I shook my head and got his mom's number.

   My doctor told me today that I was too sweet. Well, her exact words were, "severely diabetic", but I knew what she meant.

   I took a dump on a pigeons nest today. Revenge has never been this sweet.

   like you've never tried to squeeze your eyes to shoot with x-ray beams

   on this day in 2010, thanks facebook for reminding me of my breakup last year

   The most exciting fact about life is the fact that everything you imagine happens somewhere and sometime in the universe.

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