Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I hate when my boss says I have to act more professional and learn how to wear pants up to my belly button, and plssing the plants is not watering them. YADA YADA YADA

   Spare the rod, spoil the child? Um, no thanks. That sounds gross. How about I just keep using my rod to spoil these lovely ladies? (^^,)

   Everyone is always asking something for a friend. Friends are the most curious, ignorant ba$tard$, aren't they?

   I didn't bust too many cherries in high school but I'm pretty sure I stretched a few out.

   My GF is eating tortilla chips. It sounds like she's eating glass shards and gravel.

   I'm the architect of my present not an artifact of the lost and forgotten past...

   I tried dating Native American women, but it really wasn't for me. They're really in tents.

   Monday... that better not be your ugly ass I see peeking around the corner!

   I'm not sure where I went wrong officer. I was only taught "left and right." Is there a blinker thing on here for wrong turns?

   Balloons are so weird. It's like, "Happy Birthday! Here's a plastic bag full of my breath.... enjoy."

   Some of you are absolute retards who need to get out of those little minds of yours.

   Since I've started laying crack rocks on top of all my junk nothing had been stolen and everything is organized...

   "Hello 911?" "There's a guy on TV that wants me to feed kids in Africa 15 pennies a day and I'd like to file a complaint... Yes, I'll hold."

   the moonwalk part of the field sobriety test? If not this dude is totally wasted!

   I'll know love when I see it. That's why I refuse to get corrective lenses.

   Honesty is the best policy. But just try getting an Honesty Policy from your insurance broker.

   This girl I know asked her plastic surgeon to put jewels in with her fake boobs so she can have a treasure chest.

   F*ck what you heard, f*ck the b!tch you heard it from, f*ck what you think, and f*ck what you saw, and recognize what the f*ck you see.

   When someone I don't like texts me, I send their text back. I don't want that sh*t.

   Hey are you stalking me? I'm so tired of hot women following me around all day, it gets annoying.