Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out... "Wow, who knew they had wi-fi up there?"

   At McDonalds last night the dude gave me the wrong flavored McFlurry. I threw it back at him and screamed back, "You McF*CKED UP!"

   The people at the pet store sure do get mad when you walk in dressed as Mario and start hitting turtles with a big hammer

   Screenshot me, I dare you. I'll climb through your window and smash your phone so quick.

   Gotta keep things interesting. I can turn doing laundry into a scene from an Indiana Jones movie.

   I just snatched your little ray of freaking sunshine and flushed it down the toilet. How ya feeling now?

   I've recently put three girls in the "friend zone" so they can know how it feels for once.

   If I could do it all over again... I probably wouldn't be pu$$y and make the remark "If I could do it all over again."

   Just gave all of my McDonalds ketchup packets to the hobo on the corner. What? He might find a dumpster burger later.

   I hate females like this: "I'ma slap that b*tch when I see her, she got me f*cked up!" *girl walks past.* "She lucky she ain't look my way."

   If a person smiles all the time, they're probably selling something that doesn't work.

   I won't laugh in the face of danger but I will stick my my tongue out at the back of it's head...

   It seems that table salt does the complete opposite of bath salt. It sure woke this dead ass bologna sammich up! If I could only get the tomato to stop chewing on my lip...

   If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. So... yeah.. don't bother reserving a spot in your life for me.

   I'm not the jealous type... Unless you stop being infatuated with me. Then I pull you back so I can start ignoring you again.

   The best way to deliver bad news is a message frosted onto a cake. "You want a divorce?!" "Yeah, and a slice with a flower on it."

   My girlfriend loves it when I talk dirty to her during sex. I'm pissed off at her though, so tonight when we make love I'm going to tell her how beautiful she is.

   I wish a girl would invite me in her house and not give me that ass.... B*tch I'm slamming doors, banging pots and blowing the horn when I leave.

   Diamonds are a girls best friend. They last forever. Dogs are a mans best friend. They age faster than humans and lick their own ass! Any questions??

   One of the best situations in life is to be in a peer group where one person has a grudge against you, but everyone else really likes you.