Funny Status Messages
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29th Feb would have been an ideal day to get married.......imagine the money you can save from buying anniversary gifts 
When I'm feeling down and someone says "Keep your chin up!" I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and tell them "Walk it off!"
Spring is acting like a deadbeat dad... like are you coming or not.
My phone rang so now I need to get a new one.
Them: What's your favorite food? Me: Yes.
After all the "Stormy" there's some "Sunshine" in the white house
I stopped complaining about my insomnia when I found out most of my relatives died in their sleep.
My virginity was protected for a long time by a force field or awkwardness.
Woman aks pharmacy clerk if they sold extra large comdoms. Clerk said yes, would like a pack? No she replied. But I'd like to wait here untill someone does.
I'm still not convinced that the lunchroom employees working on the Death Star deserved their fate.
..... Politicians ..... Proof that crime does pay! OK ... Throw in Lawyers too.
A girl asked me if I wanted to go back to her place last night. She then proceeded to tell me she lived in a van with four roommates. That's New York City for yah!!!
Reports say men who post selfies show pyschopathic tendencies. While women who post selfies just wanted to show everyone their "duck face".
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving but growls when you blow in his face, you need a breath mint.
Not now. I'm busy on ebay. Making the most of my 'me' time.
Ear hair is God’s way of telling you it’s time to buy a sports car.
A new report found that Social Security made $6 billion in overpayments in 2015. Which explains how my grandma can afford spinning rims for her Rascal Scooter.
People who go on to open a second Facebook account because you've reached your maximum number of friends, get a life!
Summer Checklist: Pay extra for coffee with ice in it.
The Kardashians have screwed more celebrities than a camera with no filter. 