Funny Status Messages

   you showed up in my toxicology report

   I hate pushups more than a T-Rex does.

   I acknowledge most people by completely ignoring them.

   one good thing about snow is it covers up the dog poo so your lawn look as good as your neighbors

   i guess the "forever lazy" suit is appropriately named since it looks like you were too lazy to care youre in public in your pajamas

   Arousal is a miracle… Don't try to hide it. It's an unsolicited endorsement, a standing ovation, a spontaneous demonstration. ~Playboy

   The only time I wear a suit is for sad occasions, like weddings and funerals.

   Now I know why people are looking for intelligent life on other planets! They've given up on this one!!

   Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off– The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

   what if there is no placebo effect and sugar is just really healthy in pill form

   tag: “dry clean only” me: single-use garment? what a waste

   Ladies, if he is calling you a 10/10 he calling you a 1. Do the math!

   Want to know the secret to success? Delete your Facebook account.

   I'm dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

   Why don't adult cereals come with prizes? A pill organizer Post it notes Vouchers for gas ...And so on.

   My wife's fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

   If you ever wake up naked on your neighbour's lawn, just pretend you're a werewolf.

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

   A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today. My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

   Ring = she’s married Nose ring = she’s married to a bull