flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Today's agenda: get out of bed fast enough to see my body imprint in the memory foam matress before it disappears.

   Just once I would like to hear a rapper say that he is pretty average with the rhymes.

   Lead singers, don't hold the mic out and ask us to sing the chorus. We paid money to watch you do that.

   I'm a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker

   The people that cheer and high five after their family member gives a dumb answer on Family Feud are better people than me

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to see a drug commercial that says, "May cause extreme awesomeness."

   I sing in the shower. I think I sound pretty good. The other people in the gym don't agree

   why don't they just open a separate school for kids that don't have a peanut allergy?

   I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages

   The Mayan Calendar says the world will end on Dec 21, 2012, which really means a lot of babies will be born on Sept 21, 2013.

   Anyone can air guitar. It takes a true artist to air tambourine.

   Women spend all of their time deciding how to misinterpret everything you say.

   Suggested Transformers 4 movie poster slogan: Your Suspicions Are Correct, We Hate You and Think You Are Stupid.

   I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

   I like to relive my single days when my wife gets home late by eating dinner standing over the sink.

   If you've ever put away a kitchen knife and not imagined the day you'll dramatically fight a burglar with it, congrats, I guess you're the adult.

   I'm holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team

   Facebook: making the high school reunion last forever.

   Tried to make a list of goals today, but it got kind of sad after the first 12 all ended with "and then get some Dairy Queen."

   When I was younger, I wanted to be a famous writer like Hemingway. I got the alcoholism down, just not the hunting and suicide part