Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   When I am on vacation I put in my Out of Office message to contact Batman with any problems, as I feel he is the only one qualified to replace me anyway.

   There is so little food in my house right now I think I saw some ants putting together a grocery list.

   The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during sex.

   Dear McDonalds cashier, Don't give me that look, there's no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don't forget the toy b!tch.

   I saw a woman with a Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt that said "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"

   I can't believe how much of this stuff at the self checkout is free.

   From now on if you type, "LOL" you should have to submit a video proving it.

   Hey, people who have those long ass names on FB like, "Kiesha HatersGonnaHateButI'mJustGonnaKeepOnBeingaBoss Jenkins," CUT THAT SHlT OUT!

   I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

   If the caller I.D. reads "unavailable" then so am I.

   I like Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Sarah.

   I took this personality test on the internet, and it said... "Describe yourself in one word." I answered, "Not good at following instructions."

   What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKIN'? I stare, I smile, and when I get tired, I put the mirror down!

   Kharma, what did I do to deserve this?! ...Oh, now I remember. Carry on then.

   Dad, this Father's Day, allow me to point out that none of my messes cost 20 billion dollars to clean up.

   Remember when people would literally get mad at you if you didn't put them in your top 8 friends on Myspace?

   Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

   It feels like my entire generation can be summed up in six words from a Nirvana song: Here we are now, entertain us.

   I see flies everywhere but the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts today, tops, so I should be okay to drive.