Doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   I'm just here until I can make day drinking a full time job

   Ron Jeremy has got to be disappointed in the nurses he’s seeing.

   I am not an alcoholic... I have an alcohol fetish.

   Whatever's wrong with me, it's a pleasure.

   Just walked into the kitchen and a broom fell towards me. I yelled "ah!" and pushed it away. Bring it on ninjas!

   Does anyone know how to change the difficulty setting on getting the sex?

   I have only had two loves in my life: Booze and something else

   My dog tore up the sofa so I chewed up his dog bed. Eye for an eye, Dawg!

   This is the kind of heat that causes Rob Thomas and Santana to collaborate.

   Dr. King's dream of murdering Asian and Latino cops is really coming to fruition.

   I bet when Snooki's water breaks, it's gonna smell like someone smashed a bottle of Axe Body Spray on the ground.

   I gotta think Peyton Manning's neck injury has something to do with that giant forehead of his.

   I wonder if Sarah Jessica Parker auditioned for the lead role in "War Horse"?

   Like Icarus flying too close to the sun, I begin to regret eating that third breakfast plate at Shoney's.

   My computer is frozen up... and it looks like moving my mouse around in circles will not fix the problem.

   A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Then again, we'd eat less hot dogs if they were called "pig lips & horse nipple tubes".

   I bet koala farts smell like cough drops.

   Spent the last 40 mins. on the phone with my mother, regrettably the first rule of Zumba class is nothing like the first rule of Fight Club.

   I think I'm going to start taking steroids. I don't care about muscles, I just want to be able to cross my legs more comfortably.

   My right eye has been twitching for the past hour. Is this what it's like to have a hobby?