Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I wish it was my job to sit around laughing at statuses all day. Actually, he is unaware, but that's what my boss is paying me to do anyway.

   Making someone shudder means you're either doing something very wrong or very right.

   Someone broke into my house the other day while I was at work. I think they got kind of plssed when they didn't find anything worth stealing because they left my place an awful mess.

   Peanut butter is the cheese of the candy world

   As a kid if a boy liked a girl he'd poke her, call her dirty names & pull hair until she cried. Odd, as an adult girls beg guys to do that.

   Am I the only one who thinks of those padded toilet seats when someone says, "more cushion for the pushin?"

   statistics show that 97 % of dead people will stop posting statuses.

   Anyone care to tell me 1) Why, when brushing my teeth, I raise my eyebrows AS FAR AS THEY WILL GO? And 2) How long has this been going on?

   If you want proof that one person can make a difference, punch a stranger in the face.

   How I Sext: HER: :-P ME: 8===D HER: :-O ME: 8===D~~~ HER: :-) ME: ZZZZzzzzz

   You guys will NOT believe how much ice cream I just ate, but to give you a clue it was served in one of those orange construction cones.

   I've recently nicknamed my girlfriend 'auto-correct', because she constantly tries to interfere with what I want to say.

   If your question starts with "Is it bad that......." then yes, yes it is bad that you... but I like the way you party.

   I put the alcohol in Alzheimer's. Not in the word... I just like to get old people drunk. Then I tell them I'm their son and borrow money.

   Complain: To explain your pain for no gain.

   Darth Vader had a hell of a case of emphysema.

   It's not that I hate mornings. It's just that I'd wish they'd happen without me.

   I believe in life after death, so I'm hoping my ex comes back as me, so I can get my stuff back.

   If your girl gives you a "choice" preceded by an option, the option is really your only choice.

   I think I sprayed too much Febreze on my dog... but my couch and living room carpet smells so dog gone good!