doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   Kim Kardashian says her divorce was like beating cancer. In archived footage, Kim can be seen beating and blowing a 12 inch cancer.

   Drunk sex is ok, but drunk hugs are frantastic

   New Yorkers could probably bail that water out a lot faster if they weren't limited to using 16 oz cups huh Bloomberg? BABOOM! *drops micc

   Last night I was trying to get this hot girl at the bar jealous. I was slow dancing & making out with a potted plant. It was working, she was staring at me

   Thinking of starting a male version of the Red Hat Society. Come be a Purple Helmet with me, guys!

   Did you fall from heaven? Because your face is kinda messed up.

   A woman is like a wine: the less classy, the more you can see its box

   Nothing like falling in love with a sociopath to make you question your judgement.

   Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.

   Just once I'd like to yell, "You're a f#%$ing disgrace!" without feeling like a hypocrite.

   Trains do a pretty good job of letting you know they're still 7 miles away.

   Dear Santa, Can we talk about this? I'm so sick and tired being on that list. I'm just having fun.

   Just made up my own personal yoga pose called "Downward Life Spiral".

   I am in no way, shape or form mature enough to read the headline, "Prince William Saves Seamen."

   Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.

   Of all the things I pictured happening to me today, accidentally giving myself a facial while m@turb@ting was no where on that list.

   I'm confused...someone just said the disco queen died, but John Travolta appears to still be alive.

   I haven't shenaniganned in about six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-done-well, just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing... but yup, its time to Shenanagin again.

   How am I supposed to completely ignore Olympic wrestling like it doesn't exist, if it actually doesn't exist?!

   Pollen? Web MD says I have Funky Cold Medina.