GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster is a maniac?

   I bet aliens ride past earth and lock their doors.

   Marriage tip: If your wife won't let you play games with the boys at night, do something to make her mad. That way she tells you to sleep on the couch. That way you can play games with the boys at night.

   I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I surprised my wife with a new bag and belt for Christmas ! The old vacuum cleaner is gonna run like new now .

   Marriage tip: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say yes. Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   I think it's only a matter of time until "Security Cameras of Walmart" is a hit reality show.

   The officer asked, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" And we just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

   Now that I've gotten older I've come to realize why Bigfoot stays away from people.

   If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink or dessert. Then I'd sit back and watch the madness unfold at every table.

   When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is tell them to get out. I don't like visitors.

   Marriage tip: When your wife says you're only coming in to get one thing, always grab a cart, because she's lying. Follow me for more marriage advice.

   I kept staring at the orange juice carton too long because it said "Concentrate"!

   Sometimes you have to sit back and play the role of a fool to fool the fool who thinks they are fooling you.

   BREAKING NEWS: So according to my calendar, today is National Alien Abduction Day. In other words, the government has been lying to us. There are aliens! Lol

   I got a job sketching suspects at the police station. I'm a con artist!

   Not funny... We sprung forward so hard we are back in winter!

   This Christmas instead of gifts I'm giving everyone my opinion. Get excited!

   Marriage tip: If you need to ask your husband a question, but he's playing video games, simply unplug the wireless router. This will teach him that he needs to listen to you, and keep you as the center of his life.

   To all the people that couldn't stand me this year, just letting you know next year is going to be even worse.

   Whoever said, "Out of sight, out of mind" never had a spider disappear in the bedroom.