Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   In the strange event that you are buying condoms. Make sure they say 'bareskin' and not 'bearskin' trust me on this one.

   A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. What do you mean? responded her mother. Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another...

   I was chillin' with my buddy and his wife walked in and said, "Happy Father's Day! You're so much more than the guy who used to buy dollar store condoms."

   "You jam yourself inside me, tie me up and cover me in filth only to toss me aside when you're through with me." - My sneakers

   Life is like a box of chocolates, why is this box of chocolates yelling at me?

   Girls during Halloween have Definitely made new meaning to Trick. Or Treat...

   I'm so poor this week that if someone were to try to rob me they would laugh and give me money.

   Every time traffic policemen stops me they ask if I have drunk anything. But no one ever asked me if I had eaten anything.

   Just heard that "lesbian" is no longer acceptable terminology. They are to now be called "vagitarians" ... and now you know.

   Farts are always funny, except the wet ones, those are only funny when it happens to someone else.

   My girlfriend gave me a lift in her car. I said I can smell something, I think you're burning oil... ...she said that can't be I haven't put any oil in it!

   I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.

   Sometimes I like to go to the dealership, slip into a pair of smart cars and roller skate around the parking lot for three hours.

   Sometimes, I'll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it'd be cool if you moved out Amy."

   They say you should keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer. So I'm getting married next week.

   If your kids don't shut the hell up and rock when "Sad But True" starts playing, you've failed them as a parent.

   What's on your mind they said. Share how you're feeling they said. Only to find out that all we have said and done... will be stored for generations to see... "Hey let's check out all the funny things Grampa did when he was young. Whoa! Such a perv!"

   Just spilled coffee on my crotch. Now I have a hot rod.

   I don't think of Canada as a different country, I think of it more like, America's Hat, because they've always got us covered. Same goes for Mexico, I think of them as Americas Legs, because without them, none of the labor would get done.

   I think “Recession” is when your neighbor loses his job. “Depression” is when you lose yours. And “Recovery” is when Obama loses his.