Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   My ole lady needs a TEMPER-pedic mattress cause she keeps waking up on the wrong side of the bed. :/

   If you had a donkey and it ate a roosters feet and got sick, would you call the vet and say your ass doesn't feel good because there is two feet of c0ck in it?

   Roach joints. Because yeah... I recycle! :)

   Considering how wonderfully the day is going, I think I'm down to plan Q today.

   When you can do the common things in life in a uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

   One of the advantages of being disorderly is constantly making exciting discoveries.

   I hate to admit it, but I've got a serious drinking problem. I don't have any more money to buy liquor.

   Okay....who's responsible for my "poke" finger smelling funny?

   Hey alcohol and aspirin companies... Have you two met each other? Team up all ready and make that sh*t happen! Sincerely, Hungover as hell!

   My ex called me today. I told her she was on my mind a lot today. She thought it was sweet, really though it's trash day here.

   KIDS trust me when I say this: you are NOT missing out on anything if you were to take a nap.

   I really think you should change your mind. The one you have now SUCKS!

   Reverse Psychology: If I were you, I wouldn't even bother trying, because you'll probably f*ck it up.

   You;re so annoying you should have a SLAP named after you.

   I just f*cked a girl that stutters. It was great. I finished before she could say "NO!"

   I thought a friend said, "you should get a life." I replied "F**k you!" He explained that he actually said, "you should get a WIFE." My reply stayed the same.

   My phone automatically wants to check me into every bar we pass! I guess this thing really is a smartphone.

   All the memories of my ex fall under the "What was I thinking!!" catagory... just like the night I chased tequilla with vodka!

   I wish I could have an out of body experience... especially when it's time to go to work.

   Why do Mexicans wear "sombreros?" Where else would they put their tacos while stealing your hub caps?