Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   If I have to endure another day where Facebook doesn't work and is constantly disappointing me, I might have to start dating it.

   Facebook-stalking my future ex-girlfriend.

   I hate when reality stomps its filthy feet all over my happy place.

   Someone from Facebook Design should write about why they made the news feed font smaller. I just want to understand why.

   I wish I could get as excited about anything as the dog does about going for a ride.

   "Lol" is not a message worth replying to.

   You know that movie where the guy needs to keep his adrenaline level up or he dies? My weekend was just like that, except the opposite.

   Just bought someone I don't really like something they don't really need. But I saved 10 bucks!!

   Why is a woman's fantasy a man who can read their minds? If we could, how would you manage to trick us into thinking you're aren't crazy?

   Right now I feel like that one fry that somehow ends up in the onion rings.

   When picking out a name for your kid make sure it's something you won't mind saying a BILLION times.

   I struggle every time someone says "I want the truth" not to tell them "you can't handle the truth!"

   I have deja moo... the feeling I have heard this bull before.

   I cheated on my fears, broke up with my doubts, got engaged to my faith and now I'm marrying my dreams.

   I don't take anything you say seriously. You're just an idiot who has internet access.

   Guys will never win an argument with their girl. You think you won and 3 hours later she comes back for round 2.

   You're welcome. Not sure what for yet, but I'm bound to say something awesome that'll make your day sooner or later.

   When women ask for your opinion what they really want to hear is their opinion, but in a deeper voice.

   I tied a string around a pork chop and hung it from the ceiling fan on my porch and now every dog in my neighborhood is dizzy as hell.

   These little 'Hug Juice' barrels are too small! I can finish the thing in one gulp! Let's make them bigger, much bigger, and why juice, let's fill it up with beer! Wait, this sounds strangely familiar....