StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   I hate when people write thing like "b4" instead of "before." It's English, not Bingo.

   Orgy was going well until I realized it was an intervention

   I called my work this morning and said, "Sorry, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"

   Shouldn't we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It's like we work there for a little while.

   If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?

   If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.

   Roses are red, your body is fine, I know we just met, but your place or mine?

   Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flinstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard

   I have never been paid for sex, but holy mother of god, there were a few instances when I should have been.

   If video games have taught me anything, it's that if you encounter enemies then you're going the right way.

   People dropout of school and get a job at McDonald's talking bout "on my grind" yeah okay, GRIND me up a Oreo McFlurry with yo dumb ass

   I went down on my girl for the first time ever today. Afterwards I had a pint of Fosters. Well, I had to do something to get that horrible taste out of my mouth. So I went down on her again.

   I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant. I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.

   Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn't answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.

   When you said coke I assumed you meant cocaine. No thank you. Soda is bad for you.

   There's a reason why "sober" and "so bored" sound almost exactly the same

   I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.

   Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a good boy.

   I'm writing this from the hospital. Don't worry! The doctors say I'm going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!

   No matter how much I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers, the cashier keeps on putting them back!