Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Dear toilet paper makers, We've all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the middle softer. Sincerely, Our asses.

   That feeling when your ex reappears as a single mother with a child, and you immediately start doing the math.

   I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars & trucks team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters!

   I judge you by what's behind you in your photos.

   I don't know why my girlfriend insists on buying me Lunchables, Fruit Roll-Ups, and Pudding Cups for my lunch at work, like I'm in Kindergarten... She knows damn well they won't fit in my Scooby-Doo lunch box!

   If I don't answer my phone the first time you call, calling 5 more times isn't going to make me answer.

   I think the best thing about the Internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort.

   I probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way the pets and children do.

   I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."

   Hate it when girls make me do the walk of shame in the morning. So embarrassing circling my own apartment waiting for them to leave.

   If you have to "take a break" then you two are NOT together. Timeouts are for sports, not relationships.

   A girl broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution??? I sent them to her dad.

   Sometimes I'll stand up in a meeting and say "You just gave me an idea!" Then I leave the room, drive home, and go to bed.

   Now if you'll excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.

   It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.

   If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you're wrong. I'm wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.

   "Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

   Does anyone else leave Best Buy without buying anything and think the security guy at the front suspects you of stealing... so you go out of your way to act friendly toward him?

   No darling 56 guys didnt like your profile pic because you are "pretty." They liked it cause your BOOBS are hanging out.

   They say being successful and living well is the best revenge... But rubbing your naked ass all over someone's cell phone when they aren't looking is pretty good too.