GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I think Facebook needs a "Slap you in the Face" button.

   Marriage tip: If your wife says she's only getting two things at the store, don't believe her. She's lying!

   The problem with autocorrect is that it often makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   The purpose of a meme is to disturb the humorless and to humor the disturbed.

   Let me get this straight; a fat man who breaks and enters into my home, who steals all my Christmas cookies, is the one who judges if I'm naughty or nice?

   When I say your slow, I mean that you are as fast as a herd of turtles stampeding through chunky peanut butter. That's slow!

   Toilet was stolen out of city hall yesterday. Police say they have nothing to go on.

   The clocks go back this weekend. Hopefully back to when we could afford groceries.

   There are scams all over the internet! Send me just $19.95 and I'll show you how to avoid them!

   Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm off to the park to laugh at all the joggers.

   Please keep your dogs and children quiet in the mornings. Some of us have been up all night setting off fireworks. Thank you!

   Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtain for murderers: What exactly is the plan if you find one?

   Marriage tip #10: Whenever your wife can't decide where she wants you to take her out to eat, take her to her least favorite restaurant, and then order her her least favorite food item. From then on out, she will at least always give you an option.

   I'm not a magician. But I once turned a back rub into a kid and a mortgage.

   I told the bank manager that I wanted to open a joint account. He asked who with? I said, the customer with the most money.

   Well, it's July and almost 100 degrees. Walmart should be putting the Christmas stuff out any day now!

   I couldn't get a reservation at my local library. They were booked!!!

   If there is no sound in space, is a fart on earth louder than a supernova?

   Just a reminder: Walmart will be closed on Christmas Day so both cashiers can be with their families.

   To save time, let's just assume I'm never wrong.