GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   There's no reason to tailgate me when I'm already doing 70 in a 35 zone. And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.

   Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

   Marriage tip: Remember to always leave a healthy amount of cups and trash laying around your house. That way your wife always has something to clean up. A busy wife is a happy wife.

   Just once in my life, I'd actually like to see a liar's pants catch on fire.

   The biggest mistake people make in a relationship is giving their heart to someone who needs a brain.

   Remember when we used to do prank calls growing up? Now those spam calls are karma getting us back.

   What do I like most about my job? Payday, breaks and leaving.

   Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one.

   My grandmother once told me, "Sometimes you have to hug the people you don't like. That way you'll know how big to dig the hole in the back yard".

   We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today. We removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change.

   Companies need to stop making employees feel guilty for taking vacation days and time off just because they failed to hire a sufficient amount of people.

   Do the Chinese realize when visiting the USA they're buying souvenirs made in their country?

   Life hack: Rent the same type of car that you own and switch the tires. Best $39.95 I ever spent.

   Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a superpower.

   If you take a social media sabbatical, don't announce it. Just make your last post something fun like "I wonder if there's a bear in this cave?"

   I have a message for the thief who stole 100 cans of Red Bull from my car: How do you sleep at night?

   Why is there enough asphalt for speed bumps but not enough to fill potholes?

   It's finally November! That means it's time I get to start saying the two words everybody wants to hear: Merry Christmas!

   Got a hot new dieting tip for you. Just fill up your car's fuel tank and you'll be too broke to buy groceries!

   Are you single? Just remember that at this time of year, something wonderful and heartwarming happens. Tons of candy goes on clearance!