Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Knowing your family so well that you can tell who's coming down the stairs and walking through the house just by the sound of their footsteps.

   The only thing worse than being up at 6am is still being up at 6am.

   Nothing's more disappointing than getting a message, hoping it's from that girl you love, and it turns out to be from your wife instead.

   A Mslim stopped me in the street and asked me for my thoughts on Muhammad, Allah and the Qur'an. I said, "He's probably the greatest boxer who ever lived, and I don't give a f*ck what car he drove.

   I organized an office party at work today. It was a great laugh, until my boss unexpectedly walked in.

   You know how when you walk up a staircase in the dark and you can't see where the last step is? I live for that feeling.

   Being a politican is like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're f-cking them.

   My alarm jolted me awake this morning. I hit the snooze button. When it startled me again ten minutes later I threw it across the room and fell right back to sleep. Ten minutes later my girlfriend's cat jumped up onto my chest meowing... Sorry kitty.

   You can really tell who your friends are by looking at your friends list.

   it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?

   Men and women react to pain in different ways. If a man is hurt he'll try hard to conceal it from his friends, and look to his woman for sympathy. If a woman is hurt she'll suffer in silence, and tell everyone.

   I can't believe I'm having to even post this. But to the fine up standing citizen who is concerned about some of my post. I DID NOT REALLY SLAP A HO' AT THE HOLIDAY IN EXPRESS LAST NIGHT. It was at the Red Roof Inn.

   Did you know that when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm out and smack 'em in the head?

   Growing up I never needed to wear my seat belt because my mom let me ride in the trunk.

   My colleague just told me that her grandmother or cat or something just died... the booger in her nose was so huge I couldn't focus.

   sweating like a cat at a Chinese restaurant.

   If you think about it, puff puff pass is just like the grown up version of duck duck goose.

   I just got diagnosed with a very rare disease. "The more I get older, the sexier and better looking I become". Don't worry, it's not contagious. There's no cure for it and it just gets worst everyday...

   Just invented the funnest work game ever: while on the phone with a man call him ma'am. Listening to them deepen their voices is hilarious!

   My Ex once got bit by a rattle snake. After 3 days of pain and agony the snake died.