Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   A man's best chance of winning any argument with a woman is if he confines it entirely in his own mind.

   Monday's should start at Noon because I can't get motivated to do anything till at least 12:30 or so on Monday's as it is.

   I sleep fully clothed for a week after a woman tells me... "Everything's going to be OK."

   I always yell at Chinese people walking their dogs because it's rude to play with your food.

   Smoked a bag of weed and ate some Mexican food and now I've got a bad case of the sh!ts and giggles.

   My Foot + your teeth + Contact at a high velocity = Awesome

   True love is giving your significant other a sip from your beer glass... a real f*cking small sip though... !

   My plan to train the world's first tap dancing spider would have gone better had I not freaked out and stomped it to death whilst screaming like a little girl.

   Men: If you want sex during "that time of the month," you will have to pull a few strings.

   Relationships are like jobs, they require full time, overtime, no paid time off, and the benefits are based on performance.

   You only live once. Have fun, enjoy life to the fullest, do what you want and don't look back, smile, love somebody. live for the future, not the past. Life is too short to be p!ssed off all the time!

   I'm kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now.

   Making my lunch for work sucks ass because I smoked a big joint before going in and I ate everything by 9am.

   I need to start saving all my ideas for statuses in a Word Document titled "Read This at My Wake" cuz I would just lay there in my coffin and laugh as everyone got up and walked out.

   My biggest fear is that I have already discovered time travel and I will bump into myself and spoil the surprise.

   The only thing worse than being up at 6am is still being up at 6am.

   I decided I'd like to get to know you all a lot better. Let's start with banking information. ;)

   Why do people at a busy bar never know what they want to drink when the bartender gets to them? I've known since yesterday.

   Shhhh girl. No need to say another word. You had me at "open bar."

   Well... this work isn't going to stare at itself...