hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   The doctor said I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle

   Just finished at Walmart and McDonald's. On my way to visit a family member in prison to complete the trifecta.

   The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

   Alanis Morissette should have had one hand in her pocket, and the other one Googling the correct usage of the word ironic.

   If I hadn't already faked 13 illnesses this month to get out of work, I'd totally do it again today.

   My doctor drums up business by refusing to refill my prescriptions until I come in to sit in their waiting room full of people with the flu.

   I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.

   Yesterday I changed the name of my WiFi to 'Hack if you can'. Today it was called 'Challenge Accepted'

   The brawl at the Mall of America says more about our country than any five history books ever could.

   My bucket list is just a list of things I want to eat a bucket of....

   I'm sorry I keep calling you and hanging up. I just got this new phone and it's voice activated. So every time I yell dumb ass, it dials you.

   ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them

   If HR made employees settle their disputes with public dance-offs, everyone would try a lot harder to get along.

   Hate when I'm having a great day and someone speaks to me.

   Every time I say stop, an epic battle takes place in my head where I decide whether to follow it with "in the name of love" or "hammertime."

   The hardest part of halloween is making those skeletons stay in my closet where they belong

   Christmas is a good time to realize that not all your family are relatives, and not all your relatives are family.

   You know your getting older when...At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

   I told my girlfriend I wanted to take her to the fair because it would be romantic...that is better than admitting I just want cotton candy for dinner.

   My bank card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.