Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I never judge people by the way they look. Which, in your case, must be a relief.

   Nothing quite takes the place of research like making stuff up.

   I really need to find a girlfriend. Guy at poker table was like “This is my girlfriend, Kayla,” and I was like, “This is my sandwich, Ham.”

   I could be completely naked and I'd still look less slutty than this girl.

   People who say that winning isn't important, never win.

   The good thing about not drinking is that I remember everything, and the bad thing about not drinking is that I remember everything.

   Guys who wear skinny jeans: Why do you keep hitting on girls? You've already gotten into their pants.

   Can we have a moment of silence for those unfortunate souls who have never smoked weed...

   I smashed my car into a bus stop full of people last night. I got away with a broken arm. Don't know whose but it's mine now!

   Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a$$holes I work with.

   Why do people keep telling me I need a positive attitude? I'm already positive I have an attitude.

   If you ever want to feel stupid, read your Facebook status updates to someone who isn't on Facebook.

   Eskimos have 49 words in their language to describe snow because they have so much of it. In the English language there are over 50 words to describe a moron.

   I just launched a new fragrance! - a great way to announce a fart

   Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.

   My neighbor bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now she can't sneak up on the cat to put it on him.

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, everyone remembers. Funny how that works.

   I took my girlfriend to see the new Twilight movie today. It was bad. The Gulf Of Mexico is in better shape than that movie's plotline.

   I went to this new Chinese restaurant today for lunch... it was off the hook, chain, collar and leash!

   A rice cake is a good way to tell your taste buds to go to hell.