Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   The world isn't going to end today. Anyway, I'll check the status of my joke after the Winter Solstice, I can't get a signal in my nuclear bomb shelter...

   If your girlfriend's cat gets eaten by an angry pitbull terrier, gently singing "The Circle of Life" into her ear WON'T cheer her up.

   had a party last night... sorry you could not come but your girlfriend did.......TWICE

   A police officer stopped me last night whilst I was driving home from the bar. "Do you know why I was following you?" he asked. "Because my Facebook Stastus are funny?" I replied, absolutely hammered.

   Lamar Odom is missing and is a crackhead. Let that be a lesson guys, NEVER date a Kardashian.

   For you non-believers, the Bible is actually 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

   i walked past my mother-in-law's house today that was on fire. I spotted her screaming from the top window, "SAVE ME, SAVE ME!!!" ...So I did! ...as my new screensaver.

   Why do shampoo bottles have to say 'Lather, Rinse, Repeat' on them? My blonde girlfriend has been in the shower for 2 weeks now.

   Don't focus on the one person who hates you. You don't go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog sh!t.

   Whenever someone describes themselves as curvy, I always picture Owen Wilsons' nose.

   You wouldn't believe how long it took me to post this from my new Progresso phone can!

   I can hear the Pink Panther theme song playing inside my head. I may or may not be getting into all kinds of mischief this afternoon.

   Mom: I've been here four hours and you haven't put your phone down once. How do you always miss my calls?

   Of all the unsolved mysteries, I wonder why we must stop talking to be able to start peeing.

   If you are arrogant enough to assume that I know what is going on in your life because I read every single one of your Facebook status updates, I probably hid you a long time ago.

   Used the men's room at Taco Bell earlier and I'm pretty sure the guy in the stall was giving birth to a Buick.

   My neighbor and I saw a shooting star last night... so we each made wish. Sadly his house burned down, but my wish come true! :)

   Conspiracy theorists are paid for by the government to distract people from actual government conspiracies.

   There's a distinct difference between power walking for fitness and power walking because you have to use the bathroom.

   Police Station toilet stolen - Cops have nothing to go on.