andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.

   The best part about legalizing marijuana would be not having to listen to anyone else explain to me why we should legalize marijuana

   My weekend mood fluctuates between “better get the lawn mowed before it rains” and “Hurry up and rain so I can’t mow the lawn.”

   Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!

   Click "Like" if you agree that I don't need your validation

   If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He's got a gun!" and then you'll look like a cool hero.

   I got all dressed for work and then remembered it's Wednesday and I don't have a job.

   A smile is like tight underwear, it lifts your cheeks

   Kissing burns 6.4 calories per minute. Wanna workout?

   I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

   Think of a number. Double it. Add eight. Half it. Minus the number you started with. Close your eyes.... It's dark, isn't it?

   Can’t believe I grew up for this.

   Obama said he wouldn't let his son play football bc he fears it would cause dementia. Someone should tell Obama that he doesn't have a son.

   Why are there no Knock Knock jokes about America? Because Freedom rings.

   I miss playing Capture The Flag. Adulthood is sad.

   Used to work at a funeral home, and whenever I called out sick I always felt like I was leading them on.

   I'd like to be drunk with power but I've never even been buzzed. I'm like the designated driver of power.

   Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "NO YOU WILL NOT!"

   Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.

   Having a bad Day? Remember there are folks who have their ex's name tattooed on their body