GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Just once in my life, I'd actually like to see a liar's pants catch on fire.

   The biggest mistake people make in a relationship is giving their heart to someone who needs a brain.

   Remember when we used to do prank calls growing up? Now those spam calls are karma getting us back.

   I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.

   What do I like most about my job? Payday, breaks and leaving.

   If you take a social media sabbatical, don't announce it. Just make your last post something fun like "I wonder if there's a bear in this cave?"

   I have a message for the thief who stole 100 cans of Red Bull from my car: How do you sleep at night?

   Why is there enough asphalt for speed bumps but not enough to fill potholes?

   It's finally November! That means it's time I get to start saying the two words everybody wants to hear: Merry Christmas!

   Are you single? Just remember that at this time of year, something wonderful and heartwarming happens. Tons of candy goes on clearance!

   If you see me talking to myself, don't judge us. We're trying to talk ourselves out of doing something stupid.

   Guys, if the relationship fails, don't blame her only. It takes 2 people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

   My class essay on internal organs was too short. So I added an appendix.

   And yet again this morning No one was standing Next to my bed Saying Your Royal Highness here is your coffee.

   I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today. His parents weren't too happy about it.

   A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said, "Thank God for that! What are they?"

   I really used to hate speed bumps. But now I'm slowly getting over them.

   I'm on my second guardian angel. My first one quit and is now in therapy.

   Don't forget to buy your Halloween candy early so you have time to buy more after you eat it all.

   One of the biggest lies I tell myself: I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.