Funny Status Messages

   You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

   Foreign aid, taking money from poor people of a rich country and giving it to the rich people of a poor country.

   Are you free tomorrow? Her: No, I’m expensive.

   Some girls will claim “he’s my world,” but that’s your fourth “world” this month. Are you building a solar system?

   Careful creampuff, I drink coffee stronger than your feelings.

   Life isn’t supposed to be easy, it’s a fight, a test.

   I fear that one day, I’ll see one of my jokes marked as “Exhibit A.”

   We thought that our ability for compassion made us human. Turns out, it was our ability to select each image containing a boat.

   Sorry I didn’t reply for 45 days. Lol What’s up?

   Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.

   Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty-minute jog. Now I’m sitting at the park, laughing at all the joggers.

   My wish for 2023 is that nothing unprecedented, historic, or once in a lifetime happens.

   Twitter files released. MSM: “What files? ~ Space Man Bad”

   My emotional support dog after spending a day with me. Dog: Drinks a 5th of vodka and chain-smokes non-filter cigarettes.

   Has decided to be fully delusional this year and see where that takes me. Because, being sensible hasn’t gleaned the results I’m looking for.

   I’m busy right now, can I ignore you later?

   When she’s using her man’s phone to check the weather and wind blows her into his inbox.

   Nurse: You may not feel anything from the waist down. Him: Just tits then?

   They say I have a preoccupation with revenge. We’ll just see about that.

   Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home, they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.