Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   When I won the Lotto, I decided to share it with my ex. "I won the Lotto, you Slut," I shouted over the phone.

   Note to self: Don't taunt the neighbor's bull dog while wearing flip flops.

   If a guy takes Viagra and his erection does last more than 4 hours, do you HONESTLY think he calls his doctor to complain or does he go through his phone and line up his booty calls???

   I have auto-correct for my voice. It's called my girlfriend.

   My girlfriend just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.

   If I haven't insulted you, pissed you off, or raised feelings of irritation yet... just give me a bit more time.

   A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

   One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

   Marriage is nature's way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.

   I'm not exactly sure what my doctor gave me, but I've decided I like being sick. The walls keep waving at me and saying very complimentary things. It's kinda awesome and I never want to get better.

   I was reading the ten commandments and got to "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" and I remembered where I left my wallet.

   I just discovered I have a super power! I can be invisible... Oh no no wait, I'm just being ignored.

   I banged my best friends mom, I guess this makes me his best motherf*cking friend!

   Sex is like music: for every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

   "H3y what r yhu dooinq?" ... About to throw a dictionary at your face.

   "They" say money and sex is the root of all evil. Well I think "They" are just poor virgins.

   Full-Moon out tonight which means all the crazy folks are coming out of the woodwork... and for some reason they've chosen me as their leader...

   The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to his wife or girlfriend. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.

   Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.

   Waking up this morning was a stupid idea.