GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Working 5 days a week just to be free for 48hrs just doesn't sit right with me.

   How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

   Wanna make a car dealer uncomfortable? Just say, "Tell me if you can hear this". Then get in the trunk and start screaming.

   I wish I had enough money to discover that it doesn't actually make me happy.

   Everybody hates a cliffhanger because of the

   My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft.

   My smart mouth always gets me in trouble. And if it's not my mouth, it's my facial expressions.

   Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work and the other half aren't so bright.

   I sure hope you like your Christmas gift... It's a year's supply of me!

   I just realized why this month is called May. It may rain, it may snow, it may be 70 degrees or it may be 20 degrees.

   Cooking for 2 hours just to eat for 10 minutes is the biggest scam in the world.

   You'll hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.

   Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, a lot of people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

   Shout-out to everyone lying in bed just scrolling on their phone.

   Ever spent money so quickly that you felt like somebody stole it?

   Dear Facebook, stop asking me what's on my mind. We both know it's against community standards.

   Marriage tip: When you're in an argument with your wife, just use the phrase "I would agree with you but then we would both be wrong." This will help her realize that you are always correct.

   Marriage tip: If your wife asks you if the outfit she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym like she ran her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   Everyone needs a sarcastic, smart mouth friend. I am so happy to be of service to you all!

   Marriage tip: Remember to always leave a healthy amount of cups and trash laying around your house. That way your wife always has something to clean up. A busy wife is a happy wife.