Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I've been living dangerously for the last couple of weeks. My girlfriend got a new cookbook for Christmas.

   My girlfriend says I'm a bad influence on her kids. Probably because now every time she tells them "Stop," they reply with either "collaborate and listen" or "hammer time."

   When I see a photo enforced traffic light, I pose and wave as I run it, tons of adoring fans at the county courthouse send me letters.

   It feels SO GOOD to get things accomplished... or at least I imagine it does. Do something and tell me what it's like.

   Today I caught myself smiling... I was thinking of you... Don't flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.

   Having 50 girlfriends isn't swag. Having 1 girlfriend and 49 chasing you is...

   Life is precious and short. If you have time today, make sure to tell your enemies to f*ck off before they die and you're too late.

   Of course I'm out of my mind. It's dark and scary in there.

   Someone gave me a CD rack yesterday, which would have been an awesome gift if this was 1994.

   I'm having one of those 'wish I lived in Amsterdam' kinda days.

   Officer the only reason I'm speeding is because I'm late...and stopping me for 15 minutes to give me a ticket is only going to make me speed even more!

   People who walk on I-95 are so friendly. I've gone past 3 in the last hour and they all gave me the thumbs up.

   I switched to Herbal Essences shampoo, but quickly discovered that I don't have a clit on top of my head like those women in the commercials.

   Give a man an inch he takes a mile... give a woman an inch and she will laugh her f*cking head off!!

   Just read a sign that says "Watch for Deer" and I was like "No, I don't take orders from a sign." Hahaha... No but seriously, it's been like 16 hours and I haven't seen anything.

   Trust gets you killed. Love gets you hurt. Being real gets you hated.

   WTF is with the "poke" suggestions on Facebook? I just poked TWO guys, thinking that THEY poked ME first?

   All this learning to share crap when I was a child seems redundant when I'm supposed to have a monogamous relationship as an adult.

   If I've learned anything from TV it's that kids will never be successful athletics or honor students unless I drive a minivan.

   It's recycling day and based on the bin I just put out, there's a fraternity that I don't know about living somewhere in my house.