Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   thinks it should be illegal to do construction, mow, and/or weed whack before noon.

   When the boss says, "OK, just keep me updated," he really means, "Don't bother me again until you're finished, you peasant b!tch."

   Someone was a horrible person in their past life.. and was then reincarnated as my liver.

   People love to push the envelope. What they dont' know is that papercuts really hurt when I shove that envelope right back up their ass.

   It's stupid when someone texts you first and they never reply after you text them back.

   Sometimes life just needs a good, hard CTRL ALT DELETE.

   I never read and will never read your 55 page terms of use. I will always agree, so stop asking me to confirm that I read it.

   It takes a special kind of crazy to marry a divorce lawyer.

   I just got my pen!s caught in my zipper,,,,,,,,,,, I knew I shouldn't have bought those zip up shoes.

   When I was a kid squirt guns were my favorite toy... Now I'm an adult and making women squirt is my favorite thing. I guess some things never change!

   Roses are red, Facebook is blue. You look bangable, so I'll add you.

   I’m just glad it’s almost Friday! It’s almost Friday, right? Well, it’s close to Friday. It’s never going to be Friday is it?

   I am inventing a paint that is the same color and texture as bug guts because I don't like to wash my truck...

   F*ck an alarm system. I've seen "Home Alone," I know what to do.

   Nothing funnier than a pissed off mall cop on a Segway. With those goofy helmets on, I just can't take them seriously.

   I'm going back to traffic school to get my Masters.

   I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

   We need to come up with a medical term for that feeling that you get on a Sunday night, knowing that you'll be back at work for another week come Monday morning. And quickly, because I need to phone in sick for tomorrow.

   Problem: Always get stuck next to obnoxious drunk guy on plane. Solution: Be obnoxious drunk guy on plane.

   My girlfriend spends every night in town, going into bar to bar. And she always f*cking finds me.