Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Whoever said "nothing is impossible" has obviously never seen me doing nothing.

   If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.

   I must say you really have a open mind... and a mouth to match.

   Bacon pie crust. Does that exist? Because if it doesn't I think I'm going to be a millionaire.

   Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of f*cking idiot?

   Not too concerned about the past, but the present, that's a different story. Did you bring me a present? In the future bring a present.

   it just me or has the iPhone gone from spell correction to straight up "no no you would much prefer THIS random word" correction?

   I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.

   My temptation and my common sense are having one hell of a battle...

   When I came home today I brought in a box of tampons and a package of Tylenol... She told me she's not on her period and she doesn't have a headache. Yup, she was tricked into sex again.

   In yoga it's called the "downward dog" ... In the bedroom it's called "only because it's your birthday."

   When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home," I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors!

   I never quite know exactly what I'm talking about.

   I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn't mind driving a tractor around.

   I just bought some "ribbed cotton tank t-shirts" at WalMart. You'd think that'd be the one place on earth they'd call them wifebeaters.

   Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn't awesome. THAT would be scary.

   So you're here reading my status wasting valuable work time or just procrastinating. Don't feel so bad, I procrastinated and then wasted valuable work time writing it.

   If a lesbian c0ckblocks another lesbian, would it then be considered a beaver dam?

   Handicap people should get a $200 ticket for parking in the regular spots.

   Cop: "Do you know why I stopped you?" Me: "Because... you caught up to me."