Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Too bad there isn't an option to hear the next five seconds after someone hits end on a call. Make no mistake that is when the truth comes out.

   Whoever said "nothing is impossible" has obviously never seen me doing nothing.

   I must say you really have a open mind... and a mouth to match.

   If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.

   Bacon pie crust. Does that exist? Because if it doesn't I think I'm going to be a millionaire.

   Not too concerned about the past, but the present, that's a different story. Did you bring me a present? In the future bring a present.

   it just me or has the iPhone gone from spell correction to straight up "no no you would much prefer THIS random word" correction?

   Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of f*cking idiot?

   I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.

   My temptation and my common sense are having one hell of a battle...

   When I came home today I brought in a box of tampons and a package of Tylenol... She told me she's not on her period and she doesn't have a headache. Yup, she was tricked into sex again.

   In yoga it's called the "downward dog" ... In the bedroom it's called "only because it's your birthday."

   When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home," I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors!

   I never quite know exactly what I'm talking about.

   I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn't mind driving a tractor around.

   I just bought some "ribbed cotton tank t-shirts" at WalMart. You'd think that'd be the one place on earth they'd call them wifebeaters.

   Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn't awesome. THAT would be scary.

   So you're here reading my status wasting valuable work time or just procrastinating. Don't feel so bad, I procrastinated and then wasted valuable work time writing it.

   If a lesbian c0ckblocks another lesbian, would it then be considered a beaver dam?

   Handicap people should get a $200 ticket for parking in the regular spots.