Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I'm wondering why the phrase, "It's none of my business" must always be followed by, "but?"

   It's sad that... last week's earthquake was the most movement we have seen coming from Congress in quite sometime now.

   Nothing says "Love" like having a ShamWow tossed at your genitals after having sex.

   Sometimes I want to punch words right back into people's mouths.

   “and, so, that's where I'm at on the project, I couldn't have done it with out your input.” - How I end every conversation when the boss walks in and catches me goofing off with another employee.

   If life gives you sh!t, proudly take it and fertelize your hopes and dreams.

   The first thing on my to-do list is burning my to-do list.

   Sometimes feels like life is a big test and I'm in the wrong classroom.

   I learn something new everyday. Yesterday I was wise. Today I'm wiser.

   I will always cherish the nice things I assume you are saying about me.

   I am known for my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around.

   MiO is the best invention ever. I keep a red colored one on my desk now and no one bats an eye when I drink this vodka and cranberry at work anymore.

   Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'

   Your face is just fine, but you'll have to put a bag over that personality.

   People tweeting............ "Damn it's September already?" What TF you thought came after August?! August Jr?

   became a fan of not becoming a fan of everything on facebook.

   The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10 percent enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty? :D

   This guy told me that he can see the future but he didn't even try to duck when I punched him in the face.

   I just seen someone update their status on Facebook to "I Wish Every Guy Was Like Jack From The Titanic." What... Dead at the bottom of the ocean?

   Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view.