Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure...

   Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I'm feeling great. So it's all good.

   My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

   If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your relationship status to 'single' and wait 5 minutes.

   I absolutely HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT! Throw my head back and SHOUT!

   My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the drain is clogged again."

   If people winked in real life as much as they wink in texts, the world would be an extremely creepy place. ;)

   When you begin a sentence with “Don't tell anybody, but...”, the person you're talking to has already thought about who to tell.

   A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke...

   In 1987, my teacher made me write 'I must hand my work in on time' five hundred times. Pointless activity, if you ask me, but anyway... I'm finally done.

   Back in my day bathrooms were used for taking a sh*t, not as a photobooth!

   The wall clock at work seems to be stuck on half past f*ck this sh*t o' clock.

   This is ridiculous - I have so much work to do this morning that I can barely get on Facebook. My boss is so rude.

   Whenever I get a friend request Facebook should allow me free access to their wall and pics regardless of privacy settings so I can see who I'm dealing with. Some of you are so creepy your profile pic might as well be a white panel van.

   I think I'm gonna take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower but with me in it.

   You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, “Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave.

   What's the name of that Eminem song where he's all mad and sh!t?

   Hey Facebook, if I have 75 friends in common with someone and we're still not friends, it means I don't like them. Take a hint.

   I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.

   I just scrolled so far back on Facebook's Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(