KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   MEN are like BLUETOOTH. When they are with You, they are connected. When they are not with you, they are searching for other devices to connect to.

   LADIES: So you are ordering the most expensive thing on the menu? You know that comes with d ick right?

   I don't have a short temper; I just have a quick reaction to bullsh!t.

   Girl: Mom, I want some fresh air.. Can I go for a walk? Mom: Yes, but tell your “fresh air” to drop you home by 9 pm..!!

   Don't text and drive. You don't want "lol" to be the last thing you say before you die.

   One man's potato is another man's vodka.

   So Taylor Swift is single? Again? Please allow me to express my sincere shock at this sudden and unexpected turn of events.

   My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.

   If you can't love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.

   My signature move is falling in love with people I can't have.

   I can't believe someone actually went through all the trouble to create a fake Facebook profile, complete with fake photos, fake friends and fake status updates just so they could befriend and stalk me. I don't know whether to feel honored or terrifie

   ‎"Till Death Do Us Part" should just be changed to "Till Sh!t Happens" during the wedding vows, coz people don't wait for “Death” anyways.

   I am not saying I hate you or anything but if you were ever badly hurt and I had the only phone to call you an ambulance I would order pizza delivery first.

   Wedding rings are bad for your circulation.

   SWAG is for BOYS and CLASS is for MEN.

   My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it's not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby's ankle.

   Always be true to yourself. But feel free to lie to everyone else as needed.

   You're sexy, but not "I don't care if you have horrible grammar" sexy.

   Wedding Rings - the world's smallest handcuffs.

   I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.