pimpjuice Funny Status Messages

   pumpkin for sale, slightly used

   ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!

   Boy it's nice out today... our at least that's what it says on my computer.

   If someone has to lie, cheat and steal to get your vote, they're not the leader you're looking for.

   I've been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree

   Day 88: I am thankful for my joke site. Without it I wouldn't be nearly as amusing on Facebook.

   It really shouldn't be that hard to convict Bill Cosby. Everyone knows that the proof is in the pudding!

   A costume and matching shoes later, my child owes me about $50 worth of candy..

   So let me get this straight. Hot dogs are the new cancer sticks?

   Tip: make your woman feel beautiful, but not so beautiful that she thinks she can do better.

   someone to love and someone that loves me. and it would be awesome if they were the same person for once

   someone needs to tell Wyclef he can come back now.

   election day? I'll vote for anyone that will make it legal to beat my kids

   My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "You're donating to Locks of Love?"

   I knew my wifes cooking was getting out of hand when the flies chipped in on a screen door

   I thought the new $100 bill was new... Turns out I've just been broke since they came out

   my wife ran off with my best friend. I sure miss him

   I had 'that talk' with my son last night. The one about drugs. You know, the one where I tell him I smoke pot

   I must be amazing at chatting online; everytime I talk to a girl I leave her speechless.

   my phone says it still isn't snowing. Has anyone checked outside?