KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

   Bikinis expose 90% of a woman's body, but men are so decent and well-behaved that they only look at the 10% that is covered.

   RANDOM FACT: Rihanna's face is 70% forehead.

   MOM: “Why is there a condom in your purse?!” DAUGHTER: “I dunno. Would you be happier if you found a baby in my purse instead?”

   Menstruation Day 1. Don't touch me Day 2. Hug me Day 3. Don't talk to me Day 4. Why don't you speak to me? Day 5. You never understand me

   Trillions of stars. Billions of galaxies. So many civilizations. But you’ll never explore one. You’re stuck here on earth hearing about the damn Kardashians.

   I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.

   Irony of a woman – she spends hours putting on makeup, exotic perfume, expensive jewellery and outfit but when people finally look at her the first thing they say, "Wow nice a$$"

   I was talking to this girl at the bar last night and she said, ''If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and a haircut, you'd look civilized and I would talk to you''. And I said, ''If I did all that then I would be talking to your hotter friend”

   Mrs. Bin Laden just updated her Facebook status to single.

   Every day is a struggle to come to terms with the fact that they chose Tobey Maguire to play Spiderman.

   Ran into a PETA nut while walking my dogs. He said my dogs were my slaves. Wonder if he noticed I'm the one carrying their poop in a bag?

   Condoms should change to different colors according to whatever disease they come in contact with.

   Love is a sacred thing meant just for two. But there's always that one slut who doesn't know how to count.

   When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.

   Do I hate people who ask and answer their own stupid questions? Absolutely

   Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

   If video games make you violent, does monopoly make you a millionaire?

   So I met this prostitute who said she'd do anything for $10. Guess who got his car washed?

   Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy expecting sex.